


Space Aussies

by attack_on_feels



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-08 04:12:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14686218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/attack_on_feels/pseuds/attack_on_feels
Summary: Shepard waxes poetic about the virtues of Australian beverages to her crew. Miranda is shocked to discover there are some things that Shepard has managed to hide from her.





	Space Aussies

“Shepard, who puts four tablespoons of coco into their hot chocolate?”  
Shepard sighed. Jacob was not the first to start this conversation and he most definitely would not be the last. She lent against the mess counter and waited for the food synthesizer to finish boiling her water as Taylor took a seat next to Joker at the tables.  
“I keep telling you space Americans Milo is not cocoa. It’s a sweet malt-chocolate powder and it’s unpatriotic for any Australian worth their salt to have less than, like, 2 tablespoons.”  
Jacob raised an eyebrow. “Space American? I’m not even from Earth, I’m a colony kid Commander.”  
Joker rolled his eyes. “Our esteemed CO here has decided that most of us are Space Americans. I’ve never been to Earth but from what I hear it’s probably an insult.”  
“Oh it is. But if you don’t like it stop being trigger happy gun toting space cowboys with American accents. Anyway, this is not important. You shit heads already make coffee wrong and now you’re trying to fuck up Milo for me too?”  
Joker snorted, his fork halfway to his mouth. “Firstly, Shepard, you’re the queen of trigger happy gun toting space cowboys, so shut up. Secondly, if you want us to believe that horrific looking concoction of yours is any good, maybe let someone actually taste it.” Shepard looked outraged and hugged her mug to her chest protectively. “Thirdly, Jacob, shes very sensitive about her shitty Australian beverages.”  
Shepard's glare was colder than Noveria. “Joker you shut your whore mouth about my shitty beverages before I give permission to the relief pilot to personalize the cockpit settings while he’s on duty.”  
“Okay, you do that Commander and then watch me shoot Roberts out the airlock into a nice shiny star.”  
The commander chuckled while she fussed over her drink, adding hot water, milk and marshmallows to her mug. She finally took a seat next to Joker.  
“How did either of you survive serving in the Alliance for so long?” Jacob mused aloud. “ And whats wrong with how we make coffee?”  
“Jesus Taylor quit while you’re ahead now she’ll never shut up.”  
“That is correct Helmsman Moreau. To answer you question Jacob the correct way to make coffee is to not burn the ever loving shit out of it, making it the most bitter rubbish you’ve ever had the misfortune of having in your mouth. It should also involve some kind of milk that was preferably made in an actual cow and should ideally be made by an Australian Barista.”  
“And you think this personal preference of yours is some kind of Auzzie thing?” Jacob asked with an amused expression on his normally serious face.  
“I know it is. The Irish have good pubs, the Americans have gun violence and burgers, and Australians perfected the cappuccino. Only a tool with something to prove drinks a black coffee.”  
“Miranda is Australian too and she drinks black coffee.” Jacob offered.  
“Thank you for proving my point. Besides shes one of those posh Aussies, probably from Melbourne or Sydney.”  
As if summoned by the discussion Miranda chose that moment to round the corner. “ I’m actuly from Canberra.” She said matter of factly.  
Shepard rolled her eyes. “Of course you are.”  
Joker looked at Shepard. “ What the fuck is a “Canberra.”  
Shepard shook her head sadly. “No one knows Joker. No one knows.”  
Miranda sat at the table and made a few notes on her omni tool. She rolled her eyes so hard she risked injury. “Its the capitol city of Australia. And no, it’s not and has never been Sydney. Anyway how did you get onto the topic of how I take my coffee?”  
Jacob decided to catch her up. “ The commander says Australians do coffee better than us “Space Americans” and that 4 tablespoons of Milo is not a disgusting and unreasonable amount to put into a drink.” He gestured at Shepard's now empty cup.  
Miranda’s sharp eyes were suddenly laser focused on the mug. Her voice was quiet and cold. “Commander do you mean to tell me that there is Milo aboard this vessel?”  
“I cannot confirm or deny the rumours that I have a carton of Milo stashed in my cabin.” Shepard said while nonchalantly taking a sip.  
“Because if that were true it would be remiss of you to not offer some to your fellow Australian crew member. Who is an officer no less.”  
“Yeah nah, touch my stash and I’ll fucking shoot you Miranda.”  
“What will it cost me to gain access to it? I have resources and skills that I’m not obligated to offer within my role as your XO.”  
The space Americans present eyed each other with barely restrained humor. It was one thing to see Shepard’s irrational love of the chocolate drink but watching Miranda try and bargain for a cut was like Christmas had come early.  
“Honestly Miranda I really can’t think of a single thing that you could do for me that would be worth the trade.”  
“Nothing? Really?” The dark haired ice queen stood and made her way seductively over to where Shepard sat, leaning dangerously close to her ear and whispered loud enough for all to hear. “Everybody has a price. Follow me to my quarters right now and I’ll show you yours.”  
Shepard quirked an eyebrow at the offer and surreptitiously eyed Joker and Jacob who were both trying very hard all of a sudden to pretend that they we’re not eagerly listening to the conversation. “Fuck it, show me what you’ve got Executive Officer Lawson.” The two women made there way to Miranda’s cabin leaving behind a very confused and slightly aroused pair of men.  
“Wow the Commander is easy who knew huh?” Joker stage whispered to the man across the table.  
“Yeah and Space Australians REALLY like Milo. I’m half tempted to steal some and face the consequences just to see what all the fuss is about.” Replied Jacob. “I’m mean she’d clearly kill me but it looks like maybe it would be worth it.”  
The men sat quietly for a few minutes finishing their meals. It wasn’t long before they we’re interrupted by the sound of the commander loudly shouting “OH MY GOD.” Shortly after the ruckus the woman exited the room with a smile on her face and wordlessly made two more mugs of Milo”  
“Wow Commander that was quick. That good huh?” Joker teased.  
“Miranda wasn’t kidding. She really came through. She earned this. I think our working relationship just got a lot smoother. ” She called over her shoulder happily on her way back to the room. 

Shepard bumped the holographic green button to Miranda’s rooms with her hip and wasted no time entering again. She saw Miranda sitting on the corner of her desk waiting eagerly for her return.  
“Hey, do you have the double coated ones? Oh or the dark chocolate ones they’re amazing. Oh also I’m pretty sure those two idiots out there think we’re fucking now.”  
Miranda let out a laugh, something Shepard never really saw her do, and reached for an unopened packet of Tim Tams sitting on her desk. ‘They’re men, what do you expect? Besides at least this way my secret stash stays secret. Can’t have the common rabble engaging in Tim Tam shots with the Officers now can we?”  
“You’re such a bitch Miranda. I respect that.” Shepard smiled before nibbling the ends off the rectangular bikkie, sticking it in the drink and sucking on it like a straw. “Oh fuck me thats so good.” She smiled happily and Miranda shook her head. “So we have a sacred Space Aussie pact then? My Tim Tams for your Milo?”  
“Fuck yeah.”


End file.
